A Republican Talks to Kids

They Get An Official Response to Every Other Speech Obama Makes, So . . .

President Obama gave a speech to America’s schoolchildren today. Some parents did not want their children to hear it because they said it would take time away from learning and they have a valid point with that complaint. Others said partisan political speeches have no place in schools. That argument also has merit. Even if Obama never mentions a controversial policy or issue, his mere presence in the classroom is still airtime that adds to his recognition.

However, some parents, often inspired by conservative talk radio and some Republicans in Congress, objected to the speech because they feared it would be used to indoctrinate their children in Democratic (i.e. socialist) ideology. They continue to insist on this point even after the President’s remarks were published, arguing that the indoctrination might be subtle but still present.

Having read the speech, which is mostly platitudes on the value of education and hard work, I am hard-pressed to find anything harmful in it. If there are parents out there who oppose the values mentioned, I cannot help but wonder about the ones they endorse.

Sadly, this speech, unlike the President’s joint address to Congress Wednesday night on healthcare reform, will not feature an equal-time Republican response. However, since they oppose whatever Obama endorses, I took the liberty of providing one for them. Read closely, since the liberal press will not be broadcasting it on any mainstream media outlets for some darkly suspicious reason.

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Howdy, kids! My name is Representative Ezekiel Bullclog, from the great sovereign state of Alatennesippi. And this here is my sockpuppet Tinky-Woo.

Hola, muchachos!

Huh? What the hell are you talkin’ in Muslim fer, Tinky-Woo? Get out of here, you socialist Islamic Nazi bastard. I knew this sorta thing would happen if we used a Muppet from PBS. Now then, as I was sayin’ . . .

That clean-cut young colored boy from Nigeria who is currently pretendin’ to be Pres’dent of these here United States just finished a-talkin’ to y’all about edjumacashun. We Republicans know that he was speakin’ not as our Head o’ State but as a partisan political candidate. We know about dirty tricks like that because we pulled the same one when Pres’dent Reagan and the last Pres’dent Bush’s daddy wuz Pres’dent. So we got the networks to give us equal time for a Republican response. Thet’s why ah’m a-talkin’ to y’all today.

Let me start out by sayin’ y’all shouldn’t even be a-watchin’ me, just like you shouldn’t been a-watchin’ President Blackman, I mean “Obama.” It takes times away from yo’ teachers teachin’ you ‘bout how to pass them thar’ appty’tude tests that the No Child Left Behind Act uses to determine whether your school don’t get no money as punishment for yo’ performin’ so poorly or whether it don’t get none because it don’t need it on account ’o yo’ performin’ so well.

Has y’all turned me off yet? No? Damn’d socialist Islamic Nazi public school systems! All right then, listen up!

I know that fo’ you littlest ones, today is the furst day of school. Fo’ others, it’s yo’ furst day in a new school. And fo’ still others, it’s yo’ furst day in any school ever. It’s understandable if you in this last bunch are a little nervous, so just raise yo’ hands so we can welcome you.

(Aside) Okay, boys, those are the illegal imm’grants. Rush em!

Now while the nice men from the Imm’gration and Natcherelization Service is removin’ the undesirables from among your classmates, let me tell the rest o’ you lovely chillun what my Party, the Grand Ol’ Party, stands for as regards your edjumacashun.

You heard Pres’dent Hussein, I mean “Obama,” talkin’ ’bout ’sponsibility. We Republicans believe in ’sponsibility too. For example, it’s the ‘sponsibility of each one of you to learn to shut up and do as yo’ are told.

We just don’t believe guv’munt should be given too much ’sponsibility. Like Pres’dent Jefferson wrote in the Declamation o’ Indyannapolis, the role of guv’munt should be limited to fightin’ wars against Nazis, socialists, and Islam – which are all part o’ the same big anti-Christian conspiracy, by the way – and protectin’ the corporations who are really in charge o’ things against other dangerous agents . . . like guv’ment.

Pres’dent Muslim, I mean “Obama,” jawed ’bout how he was raised by a single mama. You may know other black boys and girls with the same problem – not enough men in the household. Where I was raised, white boys and girls got the opposite problem. Our daddies also tend to be our mamas’ brothers or daddies. So our daddy is also our uncle or grandpappy. We got too many men in the household . . . not to mention the piece of trash our mama is now sharin’ her trailer with, who ain’t no relation to us at all.

The point bein’ it’s tough all around. But you don’t hear us white Republicans askin’ fo’ no guv’munt handouts. Well, ’ceptin’ to be able to buy smokes and liquor with food stamps and keepin’ entrance requirements for the all-volunteer army as low as possible . . . but that’s jus’ respectin’ long-standin’ traditions.

You also heard Pre’dent Socialist, I mean “Obama,” a-jawin’ ’bout second chances. He named some people who took advantage o’ sech chances. People with names like “Jazmin,” “Andoni,” and “Shantell” – socialist Islamic Nazi names. Thet’s the biggest problem with guv’munt today, in the opinion of the Republican Party – it keeps the local sheriff from bashin’ in the skulls o’ people like that. Instead, it gives them jobs, just for being colored, that ought to had gone to my cousins (many of whom are also my siblings/chillun/constituents)­, just for being white.

Pres’dent Terrorist, I mean “Obama,” told you that you could overcome your disadvantages through hard work. We wish he’d shut the hell up with fool talk like that. As a great father, Homer Simpson, once told his young’un, “No matter how good you can do a thing, there’ll always be about a hundred thousand other people who can do it better.” Why would you look to edjumacashun as the answer fo’ all yo’ hopes and dreams when we already got Wal-Marts fer that. Plus, edjumacashun almost nevah gots Slush Puppy machines conveniently located near the exits.

Sure, J.K. Rowling’s first Harry Potter book was rejected twelve times before it was finally published but she’s an occultist Satanist socialist Islamic Nazi who is going to burn in hell for it, so what did that really get her? Sure, Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team but I’m pretty sure that’s a lie – I’ll have to watch Glenn Beck tonight and check on it.

Pres’dent Hitler, I mean “Obama,” talked about the story of this country. He used words like “revolution,” “Depression,” and “war” – socialist, Islamic, Nazi words, every one of ’em. And we Republicans think it’s no accident that he used ’em in the same sentence as “civil rights.”

We likes to call America a “melting pot” but the fact is we are a white, Christian, capitalist nation by tradition and by the will o’ Jesus H. Christ, as interpreted by Big Oil and Big Tobacco. “All men are created equal” in the sense that each of us has equally got no right to be a-rockin’ that boat. Women got no right to be in the boat.

However, we do agree with the Pres’dent on one point. “The story of America isn’t about people who quit when things got tough.” No, suh! It’s the story of people who sat down on their hands in the mud and refused to move again until they got exactly what they wanted. It’s the story of this here Republican Congressional Minority. It’s how we got to be a minority – by defending the status quo – and, God willin’ we’ll be a minority for a long time to come. I’m proud to be a part of it.

Thank you, God bless you (if you’re Christian), God bless America (the Christian parts), and may God bless the sovereign state of Alatennesippi. Say goodbye, Tinky-Woo.

Adios, muchachos!

There you go speakin’ a foreign language agin’. We got no room for that in a patriotic nation like this one; you wanna talk, you talk English. So, goodnight, kids! And Viva Honduras!