The right eloquence needs no bell to call the people together and no constable to keep them. ~ Emerson

Friday, December 18, 2009

A Washington Grownup Christmas List

You Know . . . Besides “Peace on Earth” and Crap Like That

I have always enjoyed the David Foster song My Grownup Christmas List as a schmaltzy piece of holiday fare. Yet it also agitates me at the same time. It is not the optimistic – some might say naïve – sentiments it professes that embarrass me. It is hard to disparage wishes such as . . .

No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal the heart
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end

Rather, it is the song’s premise that bothers me. Namely, that any “grownup” has, by definition, put aside the selfish, materialistic desires of childhood for nobler, more altruistic aspirations. In nearly half a century of observing human behavior, including my own as much as anyone else, I see no reason to believe this is true.

Consider the grownups who inhabit positions of power and influence in Washington D.C. as well as other celebrity figures throughout our nation. Sure, any of them would give lip service of their desire for Peace on Earth and bipartisan goodwill in public. Yet what other, more egocentric wishes hide in the darkest corners of their hearts?

In that spirit of the season, here is a list of newsmakers from this year and the wishes I suspect would reside at the tops of their lists to Santa.

President Obama – It is December 2008 again, instead of December 2009, and the toughest task facing him is what breed of dog to pick for his daughters’ pet.

Healthcare Reform Bills – For someone/anyone/everyone to realize, “I never thought it was such a bad little tree[s]. It's not bad at all, really. Maybe it just needs a little love.”

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi – She remains in charge after 2010.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid – He remains employed after 2010.

Senator Joe Lieberman of Connecticut – R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Take care . . . TCB!

Former DNC Chairman Howard Dean – Relevance.

Current RNC Chairman Michael Steele – Relevance.

The Nobel Peace Prize Committee – A “do over.”

Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee – A “do over.”

Representative Henry Waxman of California – A “comb over.”

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton – Directions.

Former President Bill Clinton – Erections.

Radio Personality Rush Limbaugh – Even more people to listen to him.

Senator John Kerry of Massachusetts – Anybody that will listen to him.

House Minority Leader John Boehner – A name that does not sound like a sexual innuendo.

Tea Baggers – See Boehner, John.

Golfer Tiger Woods – A preference for dark-haired women of color over Nordic blondes.

Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina – A preference for Nordic blondes over dark-haired women of color. Also, hiking boots.

University of East Anglia – Securer e-mail servers.

Global Warming Advocates – Better/more definitive data supporting their position.

Global Warming Deniers – Any data supporting their position.

The Mayans (posthumous) – To have been smart enough for their civilization to survive to the end of the world they predicted in 2012. Also, that their civilization was smart enough not survive to watch John Cusack in that crappy movie.

Cincinnati Bengals Wide Receiver Chris Henry (posthumous) – More gloves/rosin and a less volatile temper/fiancé.

Taylor Swift – For Kanye West to take a sleigh/pickup truck ride with his good friend, Chris Henry. Also, talent.

Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin – Actually, she is pretty pleased with who she is, where she is, and what she has at the moment. A fresh tube of lipstick and she is good to go for the New Year.